Judge to OJ:
How do you plea?
OJ:
100 % not guilty, your HonorâŠshe tripped and she fell on my knife and she did it 12 times.
I def need a Roman Empire version of that.
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:
âTalking Dog For Sale.â He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
You talk?" he asks.
âYep,â the Lab replies.
âSo, whatâs your story?â
The Lab looks up and says, âWell, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.â âBut the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasnât getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now Iâm just retired.â
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
âTen dollars.â
The guy says, âThis dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?â
âBecause heâs a liar. He didnât do any of that â â â â â â
3 Likes
THis came up in my facebook memories from 15 years ago.
Itâs even more true today::
Lifeâs Truths for Mature AdultsâŠ
-
I think part of a best friendâs job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
-
Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize youâre wrong.
-
I totally take back all those times I didnât want to nap when I was younger.
-
There is great need for a sarcasm font.
-
Really, how ARE you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
-
Was learning cursive really necessary?
-
Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. Iâm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
-
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
-
I canât remember the last time I wasnât at least kind of tired.
-
Bad decisions make good stories.
-
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just arenât going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
-
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I donât want to have to restart my collectionâŠagain.
-
Iâm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
-
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Crap!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I didnât answer? Drop the phone and run away?
-
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
-
I keep some peopleâs phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
-
I disagree with Kay Jewelers, I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
-
I wish Google Maps had an âAvoid Ghettoâ routing option.
-
The only time I look forward to a red light is when Iâm trying to finish a text.
-
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
-
How many times is it appropriate to say âWhat?â before you just nod and smile because you still didnât hear or understand a word they said?
-
I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
-
Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?
-
Thereâs no worse feeling than that millisecond youâre sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
-
Sometimes Iâll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
-
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but Iâll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
1 Like
Step 1: Layout the flat sheet, fold it in half, then fold over again in 1/3rds. You now have the flat sheet that is very long and then narrow. Full length and then 18 to 20 inches wide. About the width of a pillow case.
Step 2: Layout the fitted sheet fairly flat so that it lays within the area of the flat sheet.
Step 3: Lay out the pillow cases along the length of the flat sheet, on top of the fitted sheet, staggered.
Step 4: Start at one end of the flat sheet and roll into a cylinder with the fitted sheets and pillow cases on the inside of course.
You now have a rolled bedsheet set for storage. If you have a few different sets of sheets say cotton for summer and flannel for winter itâs surprising how easy they store in the linen closet.
Since the flat, fitted, and pillow cases are in the same roll - they are always together when you pull them out.
BTW - This is not a joke, this is really how we store our sheets.
WW
.
.
.
.
2 Likes
Whats really bad is when you walk into a high school and meet the Assistant Principal and your first thought is âArenât you supposed to be attending Middle School?â (Of course you are to polite to say it out loud.)
WW
A punch line is:
I am not supperstitious because
Itâ bad luck to be supperstitious. 
âŠor to lay an egg.
Point to a man who just ate a dozen of chilli peppers and there isnât a toilet in sight.
I got an email that promised to teach me how to read maps backwards but it turned out to just be spam.
Poop jokes arenât my favorite.
But theyâre a solid number two.
1 Like