The First Joke Thread


#1

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

That depends: hourly or flat fee?


#2

You think picking your nose is funny but it snot.


#3

My grandson asked me, “How were people born?” So I said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”

Then he went to my wife, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”

My grandson ran back to me and said, “You lied to me!”
I replied, “No, your grandma was talking about her side of the family.” That’s when the fight started


#4

HGTV channel: “I’m a barista and my wife works two hours a week arranging flowers. Our budget for this renovation is 1.3 million.”


#5

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

he was dead


#6

Here’s an old joke from back in the day:

(And please stop with any PC whining)

A cowboy riding out on the plain was captured by Indians. They took him back to their camp. They told him they were going to burn him at the stake, but the chief said he had 3 wishes.

His first wish was to go talk to his horse. The chief told him not to try anything funny, like trying to run off and escape. The cowboy promised he wouldn’t. The cowboy walked over to his horse and whispered something in it’s ear. Then the horse took off running.

A little later the horse came back with a beautiful blonde and the chief said, Wow, good job…here’s a teepee for you to do your thing.

Then it was time for the 2nd wish. The cowboy walked over to his horse and whispered in its ear. The horse took off and came back with a beautiful brunette. Same deal…the chief gave them a teepee.

With the 3rd wish, the cowboy walked over to the horse and pulled it’s head down by the bridle and said …wait for it…

‘I said POSSE you dumb sob…POSSE!!!’


#7

Here’s another of my old time favs:

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they’re new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight while he commenced with the rest of his chores around the ranch. Later that afternoon when Roy returned home he found that a mountain lion had snuck down out of the hills and had mauled and gnawed the ever-living crap out of his new, prized boots. Well Roy was so mad he was fit to spit. He went inside and grabbed his hunting rifle and whistled for his dog Bullet. He and Bullet jumped in the ranch jeep and headed up into the hills to hunt down that no-good puma. Well after tramping around for a bit Bullet picked up the mountain lion’s scent and before you knew it Roy had him in his sights. Well one quick shot later the dead cat was tied across the hood of the Jeep and Roy headed back down to the ranch. When he pulled up in front of the house his wife, Dale Evans came outside and exclaimed, “Pardon me Roy? Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”

HAS TO BE SUNG TO THE CHATTANOOGA CHOO CHOO SONG.


#8

Here’s an easily customizable joke:

How many employees at does it take to change a light bulb?

It takes two. One to go up the ladder and change the light bulb and the other to the kick the ladder out from under them.


#9

What? It didn’t include all of the post.
Between “at” and “does” it should have had “enter name of employer here”


#10

A General needs to set up a new camp.

He finds an Italian guy and tells him he is in charge of cooking because he figures Italians are natural born cooks.
He finds a German guy and tells him he is in charge of maintenance because he figures Germans are natural born precision mechanics.
He finds a Chinese guy and tells him he is in charge of supplies because he figures Chinese are great at math and counting.

The General leaves for month. Upon his return, all of the troops are starving. None of the vehicles work and everything mechanical is in a state of disrepair.

Furious, the General finds the Italian guy. The Italian guy cries and tells the General, “we no hava no fooda here for a month!”

Livid, the General finds the German. The German stoically says he haz nein tools or parts to fix nosssingk.

The General is now apoplectic. “Where is the Chinese guy”, he yells! Everyone cowers shrugging their shoulder. “We have not seen him since you left!”, they exclaim.

The General goes on a hunt. He looks everywhere. After hours of searching he is exhausted. So he goes to his office for a drink of some hard whisky. He opens his cabinet and the Chinese guy jumps out and yells, “SUPPLIES!!”


#11

How manyTeamster officials does it take to change a light bulb?

Ten. Do you have a problem with that? :frowning:


#12

Why did the chicken cross the street?

to get to the other side. :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:


#13

There was a blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals. Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, “I’ve had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all the state capitals.” One of the guys, of course, said, “I don’t believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?” “N,” she answered.


#14

Why did Ted Bundy not pay his last electric bill?

He was overcharged.


#15

A married couple had three beautiful daughters, but always wanted a son. they got one.

Dad is excited to see his son, but runs out of mom’s room screaming at the hideous baby. He returns, saying, “We have three beautiful daughters, and that is the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Did you do something behind my back? Cheat?”

With that, the wife smiles and says, “No, dear. Not this time.”


#16

Three college girls take a spring break in Mexico and get drunk; black out; and do something that gets them the death penalty there.

Brunette is logical type. She is sat on the electric chair; switch is pulled; and nothing happens.

She insists logic and justice have prevailed, and goes home.

Red head is a spiritual type. Gets sat on the chair; switch is pulled, and nothing happens. She insists compassion and God’s mercy have prevailed, and goes home.

Blonde gets sat on the chair and nothing happens. She looks around and says, “You know, that thing just might work if you plug it in.”


#17

HAAAAAA HHAAA. That one made me laugh!


#18

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!

What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada…

Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding – with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer.”

But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ". . . was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business – either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:

“I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bull ■■■■.”


#19


#20