Well it actually happened. No, I'm not seeking attention. This is how I've been the past several weeks

It happened. I have been having some concentration and memory issues, some emotional dysregulation (things like uncontrollable crying, anger outbursts). Being on guard (which I thought was anxiety) and avoiding people. Nightmares. Went to the counseling center and requested to be in counseling. Wrote down some stuff that I couldn’t stop thinking about as well, some rumination I couldn’t stop. I thought it was just OCD and anxiety. They put me with a trauma specialist, we decided to do EMDR. For some reason I couldn’t guess why they would put me with an EMDR therapist. And I couldn’t guess why anyone would be worried or care, because it’s something that should have been taken care of once I got out of there, out of the psych ward, for what I would make sure to be the last time. I still feel like I am in there and constantly being watched. Why did I keep going back if I knew that I was just getting worse? Why didn’t I take steps to make sure I didn’t go back sooner, to get better? People closest to me told me to stop ruminating and to get past it and so that’s what I did. Just stop thinking about it and focus on getting your bachelor’s and then get a job so you can start saving and investing during your gap year.

Well, this past Thursday I basically got diagnosed with PTSD. I don’t feel the same, and I don’t act the same. I don’t know. I’m not the same. I never wanted this. I don’t know what to think. I was just trying my best to get by each day and hope things get better. I just wanted to forget. I am 24 almost 25 and I have to learn how to deal with my emotions myself. I’ve been spending a lot of time outside, in the gardens or just wandering around campus. I wasn’t going to classes, and just doing them on Zoom or watching recordings because I got so overwhelmed being there in person. I was so afraid I was going to disrupt class with my emotions so I just avoided them altogether- professors and other students have a right to have a calm environment. I am so angry, mostly with myself. I knew the other girls could probably hear me ruminating, and because they probably thought I was some sort of sociopath, I just avoided everyone.I don’t know I am doing it at times, and apparently have been doing it a lot since the past year and a half. I didn’t think much else of it, other than I needed to try to catch myself and stop. I figured it was okay because I wasn’t going to see most of them after I graduated. Just have to get my last semester out of the way and get my Bachelor’s and I could sort everything out later.

I was hoping if I pushed everything down, and just tried to distract myself from worrying, and try to be more active and focus on the future, things would sort themselves out. I guess they never did, because especially my dreams aren’t safe anymore. I’m so confused. I feel like my brain is a shattered bowl and the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. So to speak. I can’t follow a damned conversation or remember anything that they talked about in class that day. Studying makes my symptoms worse.

Early yesterday morning I woke up and apparently was screaming, yelling, stomping, throwing things (?) and I kept saying I wanted to kill myself. I had no idea I was doing this. My chaplain got so worried, because she called the head chaplain, the RA, the hall director, and two security guards and they all came up to my room. I asked them what did I do. They told me that I was saying I was going to hurt myself. They called the student dean who asked that my therapist speak with me.They called COPES, which is a community mental health service in my city. I talked with a therapist there. I told her that I had PTSD, that I may have had a nightmare, and was in EMDR. Well, my hall director and this therapist told me to speak with my therapist. Hall director told the student dean what happened, and she asked my therapist to speak with me. So, my therapist mentioned I had a scary dream, and he asked what it was about. I told him, that was about something in childhood and that I was worried about my relationship with my dad, and what was going on. I basically disconnected from my emotions and told him much of what happened. He seemed more worried than I was (this is something I should have already sorted out) and he told me because I needed the support, he wants to see me twice a week. Everyone is more worried than I am.

Wow. Why? I just want people to leave me alone.

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And apparently waking up suddenly angry, heart racing, and in fight mode counts as a nightmare, despite no visual dream at times. And the rumination afterwards is another symptom that no one tells you about.

I am hoping I can get better. My mind feels like a merry-go-round at times. Good thing I have done and learned some stuff in previous years, and am in therapy to help.I learned my first technique on Monday. I can’t seem to write coherently, I know it seems like some sort of troll post. My social skills have taken a back seat lately. My apologies.

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People closest to me were telling me that I had been in therapy long enough, to get my emotional needs met with people outside of therapy or family. But I didn’t feel comfortable sharing what I was thinking about, because just to say that you’ve been in the psych ward is not something that you should mention in everyday conversation, not to mention what went on in there.

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Take good care of yourself! Don’t watch the news, it’s scary times that you can’t do anything about, so just concentrate on yourself. Eat well, sleep as best you can and get exercise. Look at nature as much as you can fit into your schedule.
Wishing you peace :sunflower:

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I heard this has positive results for PTSD.


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I just messaged SixFoot about this very thing.

This thread should go in “Fever Dreams”

(that’s a joke😉)

Sometimes, some people get “stuck on pause” and the internal dialogue gets out of control. It’s like a fainting possum–a survival mechanism.

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Please take care of yourself. Disconnect from news and the media, at least for a while.

I hope you feel better and find some peace.

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I would encourage you to listen to these two teaching series by Andrew Wommack.


And “God’s kind of love to you”


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It’s good there are other ways to complete classes other than being there in person. While I don’t think many students benefited from remote ed during COVID-19 shutdowns, I wish there had been other options while I was in school.

Keep zooming and watching recordings, doing your best to finish classes. I would recommend Qi gong meditations, here’s my favorite:

Just did it yesterday in a public park. He has a very gentle voice, and part of these meditations is concentration, being in the moment.

Do what works for you to get through school, and work with those therapists with whom you have a good rapport.

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Mindfulness is a skill I need to use more often.

Take care of you.

Read How to Love by Thich Nhat Hanh. I wish I’d had this work 20 years ago, when seeking a marriage partner and before deciding to have a baby.

Try Qi Gong, maybe start with 15 or 20 minutes. Listening to traditional Chinese music keeps me in the present moment, unlike listening to decades and even one decade old music—not reminiscing or being reminded of bad times.

Stick with your therapy, but read and have other pastimes that are relaxing and enjoyable for you.

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I’ve really been a rotten person in the last several months.

Welcome to life. It happens.

What you do with it and about it is what matters.

Most of all, get over yourself. Maybe someone sold you on life is supposed to be a bed of roses. If they did, they did you a great disservice.

Life has its moments of joy and its moments of pain.

You’ll never appreciate a sunny day if you’ve never experienced rain.


I know that. I didn’t make this thread to argue.

Please be sure that you don’t disconnect from people, friends, family, professionals who can help you. The more disconnect you have the more those ruminations take hold. The more Uncontrolled your obsessive thinking becomes. Stay connected.

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Best to you. Take care of yourself and do the healing work you need.

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Use what ever you need, including this thread, to help you cope with this. Wishing you peace and relief.

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I have found these very helpful.

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Thanks for this! I have been listening. Really good resource for silencing the chaos so I can think and work.

Same thing to Janet for the movements.

Finals week is this week. I will graduate. I will make sure of it.

Somehow I think if I can just release all this pent-up anger, things will be okay. I want to feel other emotions; I want to feel compassion. Really, truly, it wasn’t his fault. Mental illness, you just can’t help the onset. He probably has had a difficult life himself- I knew he was homeless before he went in. With schizophrenia you truly are living in a nightmare. You don’t know what’s real and the things that seem real, are very unkind to you. It is a nightmare that continues to plague you everywhere you go. I don’t want to hate him.

There is the part of me, though, that does feel an injustice- I can’t charge him, although I want to. At first I did. But why should I want to?? It’s not all their fault. I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. And so I’m conflicted.