It happened. I have been having some concentration and memory issues, some emotional dysregulation (things like uncontrollable crying, anger outbursts). Being on guard (which I thought was anxiety) and avoiding people. Nightmares. Went to the counseling center and requested to be in counseling. Wrote down some stuff that I couldn’t stop thinking about as well, some rumination I couldn’t stop. I thought it was just OCD and anxiety. They put me with a trauma specialist, we decided to do EMDR. For some reason I couldn’t guess why they would put me with an EMDR therapist. And I couldn’t guess why anyone would be worried or care, because it’s something that should have been taken care of once I got out of there, out of the psych ward, for what I would make sure to be the last time. I still feel like I am in there and constantly being watched. Why did I keep going back if I knew that I was just getting worse? Why didn’t I take steps to make sure I didn’t go back sooner, to get better? People closest to me told me to stop ruminating and to get past it and so that’s what I did. Just stop thinking about it and focus on getting your bachelor’s and then get a job so you can start saving and investing during your gap year.
Well, this past Thursday I basically got diagnosed with PTSD. I don’t feel the same, and I don’t act the same. I don’t know. I’m not the same. I never wanted this. I don’t know what to think. I was just trying my best to get by each day and hope things get better. I just wanted to forget. I am 24 almost 25 and I have to learn how to deal with my emotions myself. I’ve been spending a lot of time outside, in the gardens or just wandering around campus. I wasn’t going to classes, and just doing them on Zoom or watching recordings because I got so overwhelmed being there in person. I was so afraid I was going to disrupt class with my emotions so I just avoided them altogether- professors and other students have a right to have a calm environment. I am so angry, mostly with myself. I knew the other girls could probably hear me ruminating, and because they probably thought I was some sort of sociopath, I just avoided everyone.I don’t know I am doing it at times, and apparently have been doing it a lot since the past year and a half. I didn’t think much else of it, other than I needed to try to catch myself and stop. I figured it was okay because I wasn’t going to see most of them after I graduated. Just have to get my last semester out of the way and get my Bachelor’s and I could sort everything out later.
I was hoping if I pushed everything down, and just tried to distract myself from worrying, and try to be more active and focus on the future, things would sort themselves out. I guess they never did, because especially my dreams aren’t safe anymore. I’m so confused. I feel like my brain is a shattered bowl and the left hand doesn’t know what the right hand is doing. So to speak. I can’t follow a damned conversation or remember anything that they talked about in class that day. Studying makes my symptoms worse.
Early yesterday morning I woke up and apparently was screaming, yelling, stomping, throwing things (?) and I kept saying I wanted to kill myself. I had no idea I was doing this. My chaplain got so worried, because she called the head chaplain, the RA, the hall director, and two security guards and they all came up to my room. I asked them what did I do. They told me that I was saying I was going to hurt myself. They called the student dean who asked that my therapist speak with me.They called COPES, which is a community mental health service in my city. I talked with a therapist there. I told her that I had PTSD, that I may have had a nightmare, and was in EMDR. Well, my hall director and this therapist told me to speak with my therapist. Hall director told the student dean what happened, and she asked my therapist to speak with me. So, my therapist mentioned I had a scary dream, and he asked what it was about. I told him, that was about something in childhood and that I was worried about my relationship with my dad, and what was going on. I basically disconnected from my emotions and told him much of what happened. He seemed more worried than I was (this is something I should have already sorted out) and he told me because I needed the support, he wants to see me twice a week. Everyone is more worried than I am.
Wow. Why? I just want people to leave me alone.
