I am not angry at him, not anymore at least. I need to forgive.
It has been 4+ months since I last posted in this thread. I lost my memory when I went back to school. I couldnāt remember really anything from my h9me life, or what I learned in past semesters. I had trouble recognizing faces and getting around campus. I did know that I was a student and was- needed- to graduate that semester.
For a while I felt like my empathy was gone. I didnāt care what happened. I started to feel angry and unsafe. I still have periods where I feel like Iām going to have an outburst, and I still feel unsafe. I still donāt feel like myself. I am so worried that some of these negative personality changes are permanent. The protections I used to have, to protect myself emotionally, are gone.
The weird thing about a fugue, or any type of amnesia, ancedotally, is that you know you have a past, but you donāt know the details or what it is. It was like my memories were behind a locked door. I could get a glimpse, āthrough the keyhole,ā but if I tried to really access it I would get this startle response.
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Meditation is helping though, as is yoga. Music has helped me get my creative juices flowing again.
One day at a time. Really all any of us can do. You arenāt alone.
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My gosh it is hard to think. I canāt think to intricately or my head starts to ache. Especially when I try to think and recall memories at the same time, such as studying for a course. My emotions get tangled, too.
I am ________
Be careful. We recently got fussed at for this sort of thing.
Also, what? Are you okay?
Some memories surfaced of me getting an initial dx of cocert malignant narcissism with paranoid and Machievellian traits, and being treated as such.
You demonstrate yourself to be a much, much better person than whom you referenced. Iām also going to opine that the so called professional who provided the info about a similar diagnosis to a genocidal tyrant probably shouldnāt be allowed to interact with people seeking help. And for the record, I have seen nothing in your interactions on this board to indicate that you have anything in common with even a shallow shadow of that tyrant.
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My university, ORU, tried to brainwash me into believing I was pro-choice (and okay with killing children inside the womb) and accused me of such.
Iāve tried to understand him, to forgive him. I wanted to understand him. But he messed up my life for 3 years. And the more I think about it, the more I suspect other people might be involved with him doing this.
Itās been a little more than 3 years since this occured and 2 years since my diagnosis. One of the things is, he didnāt touch me yet I still was traumatized.
Why wasnāt he arrested for threatening another person? Was it because they restrained him there at the psych ward?
I hate the mental health system. It seems like the longer Iām inside it, the worse it gets, and thereās less hope. And people who are suicidal are basically put in a closed space (a locked ward) with people who are homicidal. And in my most recent stay, everyone suffers if one person decides to become abusive of any freedom- it was policy that everyone is treated the same. We couldnāt have our clothes (because people try things and they have to remove that for future patients), had to eat food with a spoon (because someone went after another person with a butter knife as well as a fork). Food was finger food. We were not allowed any recreation or time outside other than the TV which the techs put on shows they liked. As Iām learning, it was in some cases worse than a forensic psych ward. Iāve asked someone who was homicidal to kill me, because we both get what we want- they get to kill someone and I donāt have to exist.
I asked to be removed from this place and the only alternative they could think of was to place me in another group home where there is less freedom- canāt have a job, no outings. And apparently there was a clique problem that my dad learned about. At least one guy got lucky and was able to be discharged to his home in Mississippi, but when I asked to be discharged back to Tulsa, they just said that my flight was pushed back. I lost hope that I was getting out- there would never be an end- so I attempted.
Iām sorry. I know people have it worse than me. I have a dad who loves me, food, a roof over my head and financial support. Iām grateful for that. But I want to get out of the system and live my life normally.
Iām so sorry. No young person deserves to live like that.
Please know youāre loved, you are precious, you deserve care and healing and peace.
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Thanks Lucy. 
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One video Iām looking at: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8UhBTmBe0pw
I dont know specifically how to help but there are things i do when i get overly anxious, just little things like folding paper. Distancing yourself from life i dont think will help as we all need other people.
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Maybe its not your job to understand him. I dont think you owe the one who harmed you one bit and that person owes you all the understanding in the world. Your job is taking care of you and empowering yourself.
There are ways for people to live normally, sometimes it involves medication but if what you are going through is primarily PTSD then meds wont help. If it is something more neurological i wouldnt be afraid to try medications. I have an aunt who was released from the mental ward (she has schizophrenia) because medicines help her. What creative projects are you working on?
Every time I start thinking about my past I start to get suicidal. Not sure if this is normal in PTSD.
Iāve had EMDR at my current residence with a new therapist which helped me immensely with external triggers.
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