Which of the following cars will rust out the
quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac
GTO.
A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at
2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to
be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres
in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How
many Budweisers will it take to cut the trees?
A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on
24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The
span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The
porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the
porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?
A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of
land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The
man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a
mobile home on the man’s land?
A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900
yards down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45
mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic on
secondary roads, what are the chances that it will
strike a vehicle that has a muffler?
A coal mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2
Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per
shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of
3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels
will be smoked during the shift?
At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of
7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town
that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a
Country-western singer?
SEND ANSWERS TO YOUR WIFE OR SISTER…(PROBABLY SAME PERSON)
A group of Russians visited Moscow and all shared the same room in the hotel. They were soon drinking, talking, telling political jokes, laughing, and generally making a lot of noise.
One of them eventually wanted to sleep, so he asked the others to be quiet, but they kept going.
Finally he got an idea. He went out of the room and told the attendant to bring him a tea, but wait for a couple of minutes with it.
Then after returning he said to his friends: “Shut up, this room is under surveillance.”
They laughed.
Then he lifted a corner of the carpet and said: “Bring me a cup of tea, please.”
Suddenly, the attendant shows with the tea.
They were all are stunned and shut up instantly.
In the morning, the guy woke up to an empty room.
He asks the attendant: “What happened to all my comrades?”
“Oh, the NKVD took them all away! And, by the way, comrade Major really enjoyed your carpet trick!”
Ole had to take an overnight train trip one November night, and agreed to be assigned to a sleeping car with another single traveler. As it turned out, his roommate was a very pretty young lady.
After their initial shock an embarrassment, they agreed to just try and make the best of it. The young lady took the upper berth, and Ole took the lower berth. After an hour or so, the young lady leaned over the side of the berth and said “Excuse me, Mr. Ole, but I’m rather chilly up here. Would you mind getting me another blanket?”
Ole got a rather mischievous gleam in his eye and replied “I’fe got a better idea. Vhy don’t ve pretend, you know yust for tonight, dat you’re my vife, Lena?”
The young lady though for a moment, then giggled and said “OK, sure! Why not?”
“Great!” exclaimed Ole. "Go get your own blanket.”
a brunette and a blonde were in an elevator. a really cute guy got on. both were checking him out. they noticed he was great looking except for a little dandruff. the guy gets off on the next floor. the brunette says, “give him some head and shoulders and he would be perfect.”
and the blonde said, “how do you give shoulders?”…
It was the end of the day when a policeman parked his police van in front of the station. As the policeman gathered his equipment, his K-9 partner, Jay, was barking. He saw a little boy staring in at him. ‘Is that a dog you got back there?’ he asked.
‘It sure is,’ the cop replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at the policeman and then towards the back of the van.
A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson who was screaming for candy, cookies, all sorts of things.
The grandpa kept saying in a soothing, controlled voice things like:
“Easy,Pete, we won’t be long-easy, boy.”
… or …
“It’s okay, Pete. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, son.”
At the checkout the little horror started throwing things out of the shopping cart; but, Grandpa kept his cool and said: “Pete, Pete, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, Pete.”
The woman was VERY impressed and followed the man out of the store. When she found him loading groceries into his car – the child was STILL screaming angrily – she told the man how impressed she was, what an amazing Grandpa he was to keep patiently reassuring and trying to calm Pete. Finally saying: “Pete is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the Grandpa, “but I am Pete. This little twerp’s name is Kevin.”
I am married to one still deciding daily if that was a smart decision. Bull headed as they come and go from 0 to 60 in and argument in a split segment.
A man went to a tailor in desperate need of a suit for a meeting in only 30 minutes. The tailor just sighed, then grabbed the closest fit he had available
The first thing he noticed was that the arms were too long.
“No problem,” said the tailor. “Just bend them at the elbow and hold them out in front of you. See, now it’s fine.”
“But the collar is up around my ears!”
“Surely an exaggeration. Just hunch your back up a little… No, a little more… That’s it.”
“But I’m stepping on my cuffs!” the man cried.
“Now bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you go. Look in the mirror — the suit fits perfectly.”
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurched out onto the street.
Reba and Florence saw him go by.
“Oh, look,” saidReba, “that poor man!”
“Yes,” Florence concurred, “but what a beautiful suit.”
