Dealing with depression, mental illness, and the sadder aspects of life

Safe Haven
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Well, Flame, I don’t think if you were a narcissist or otherwise a bad person you’d be wondering if you were. I don’t think truly bad people bother with introspection.

Maybe some of the days you saw yourself “acting out” you were in physical pain? Everyone acts out from time to time.

I do understand not being able to connect with others, as I’m quite a bit older than 21 (51 soon). I feel like misfit central & pretty much distance myself from any close friendships, figuring this is a part of the states where most have close knit families, multiple children they started having at a younger age (I had my daughter at 38), & really don’t share faith, family or ideas in common with them.

There are a few from work I talk to there, but anything close, no. As to distancing myself from others at any real or perceived slight, I can relate.

I have 2 female family relationships who got particularly snotty with me, acting towards me as if I were a 5 year old who had wet the bed yet again. Guess who didn’t show up for either of their weddings or to see the new baby?

You guessed it. It’s cold, but really, is it fair for me to be someplace I’m perceived on a lower level, or for them to have someone they don’t regard too highly at what should be the most joyous events of their lives?

I don’t know that I can give you advice about forming connections. But do cut yourself some slack. I’ve never seen any meanness or arrogance in your posts.

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Sigh. My husband and I are parents. There is nothing in the way your parents treat you that is normal. From a parent point of view, I find it horrific. They are controlling, cruel, emotionally abusive, sick, self-centered, seemingly incapable of love. There is nothing I have ever read in your writings of them that my husband or I would ever do to our daughter, or that comes off as anything approaching normal.

I say this not to diss your parents, but just to let you know that you did nothing, ever, to justify the way they treat you. You had the bad sad luck to be born to 2 people unable to provide a loving, supportive, stable environment for children.

I wish I could help. Please know none of their sick behavior is your fault.

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Reposting since I accidentally deleted:
I admit there are good times between my mother and I, but boy, when things are bad, things are really bad.
Today she said that if I cannot relate to her, then I’ll never be able to relate to a sick, suffering patient, that I’ll never be a good physician- as if the way I treat her (regardless of the way she treats me) determines whether or not I am kind. She doesn’t understand that I don’t want to be left alone with her, and that I’d rather not associate with her, because of the hot-and-cold behaviors she displays much of the time, and because the bad stuff keeps repeating itself. Such as locking me inside the car a few weeks ago. I’m still angry with her, to be honest, and while she apologizes some of the time (only after my dad argues with her that what she did was wrong), she never changes.

When she is, as she says, “emotionally vulnerable,” she does some pretty mean things if I don’t do what she wants me to do. For example, what led to her locking me in the car, was that she wanted to go to a seafood restaurant that I didn’t really like, because it was noisy, cold, and people were sitting literally elbow to elbow in cafeteria-like seating. I said, “go on without me, I’ll get something here. Enjoy it without me.” She didn’t like that, so she held over my head that she bought me a pair of boots (that she insisted she buy me, that I was going to buy myself), and she tricked me into getting into the car by stating that we didn’t have to go to that restaurant. Well, when we got into the car, she said that we were going to that restaurant. I tried to get out of the car, and she locked the car using the child safety lock on the passenger side. Then while at dinner, my dad too angry to speak, she states that she did nothing wrong, and she and my twin brother make snide comments about me having social anxiety. I don’t understand why I had to go with them. I mean, later on she used the excuse that I would cut myself but the truth is, my dad left me alone at the house that day I didn’t do anything, and she never said anything about the cutting when I first protested. So I’m guessing that was merely an excuse.

I wish I could apply to be an independent student but I’m not old enough, I’m not in the military, and I’m not married, so I’m financially dependent upon her and my father for school. And right now, things have changed to where me going off to a university is iffy because my parents don’t think I’m mature enough to go off to a university. I think that they want me around just to control me, and have emotional supply. If I decide to escape and go no contact, then where am I going to go? I can’t get a job, because I still cannot be on my feet for more than 30 minutes, as the muscles in my right leg are still healing. I can’t go to school, because if I run away from home, then I would not have the funds to pay for schooling. I’m at a catch 22. Thanks for reading, if you got this far.

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This hits home for me.

I’m a little more than a decade older than you, and from what you’ve said, you’re handling those years better than I did - I failed out of high school, and became a terrible drug addict.

I didn’t hate my parents, but I resented them. I could see through their arguments, and see how they were wrong - but that didn’t matter, because they were in control. I reacted by calling their bluff.

They said if i didn’t do ____, they wouldn’t pay for my college. I responded by stopping going to class in high school. They said if I didn’t do ____, they’d kick me out of the house. I responded by packing a bag, and couch-surfing for a few months. Eventually, they got me to go to rehab, and clean up - but I still held on to that resentment.

A lot has changed between then and now - I’m in a pretty great law school, I have a fiancee that I’ve been with for 9 years and two cats, etc. - but the most important thing I’ve realized has to do with my relationship with my parents.

When we’re really young, our parents are almost gods. We look at them as perfect beings, on some level higher than ourselves.

When we become real people - when we start to question things, and use our minds logically - we start to see flaws in our parents. We see flaws in their arguments, and we see underlying reasons. We see unfairness.

From where I sit now, I see that my parents are just people. They are flawed. They are occasionally illogical, antagonistic, and almost always taxing and hard to deal with. They both have their issues that they refuse to address, they both are more able to get under my skin and rile me up than anyone else in the world.

But I’m just a person too. I’m also flawed. I can be an ■■■■■■■ sometimes. Sometimes I get angry too quickly. I spent a long time being a parents worst nightmare as a teenager and into my 20s.

I’m trying very hard to make it clear I’m not condescending to you. Everything you feel is real, and legitimate. I felt those same things.

I’m just saying, things can get better.

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Unfortunately, if you lose the parent lottery, you can spent the rest of your life making up for that. It must be hell.

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Flame, I had to think a little, like a day, before responding.

Is there battered women’s services near you that offers counseling groups? Sorry, but using a child proof lock against an adult doesn’t sound like normal behavior to me.

Not all women who use these services have such messed up situations they qualify for shelter. Some are in emotionally abusive situations.

Ridiculing you when you’re recovering from surgery over your social anxiety doesn’t sound like healthy behavior at all. Matter of fact it sounds emotionally abusive.

Can you call your local police department about something like these counseling services? Find out if & where they’re offered? Maybe they can even help you find an alternative to your living situation.

While I certainly don’t support those who abuse various welfare programs, their purpose is to help those who need a temporary safety net. If you need food stamps & a Section 8 apartment until you finish school & enter the medical profession, that’s what they’re for—temporary assistance. It doesn’t mean you’ll nerd them forever.

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Hi! My first hour here, the whole forum! This seems like a very safe place for a first ever post. Yes, I came here for the politics. But I just have to say that if you have Severe Depressive Disorder, you are not alone. Me too. :wink: I’ve had it for 20 years, yikes! Of course, I don’t like it. But since God (my Higher Power) has kept me alive, I’ve gotten very thankful for the good days I do have. There are a lot of helpful social sites just for depression. Message me if you want to know the few I’ve found. Or just look up Social Groups for Depression. I am happy this thread is here. If I ever do go “down for the count” I will post here. I come and go. But today’s a great day 'cause I registered on the Hannity Forum site! :hibiscus::hibiscus::tulip::hibiscus::hibiscus:

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I can’t take my home life anymore. It’s the kid I cannot deal with and there are no friends or family I can talk about stuff like parenting with, and my extended family is part of the problem.

We’re going through a move. It’s something I really want and am looking forward to.

Bratley (13) is arguing with me every day after school and I cannot take it anymore.

It isn’t that I don’t like my town of residence, we simply cannot afford the houses or taxes here. We found something more workable in a neighboring town.

Bratley picks a fight with me about how we’ve already done a move (job related), and she cannot do another. She wants to stay in her current school district (not doable and I’m not wasting gas money when there’s a good school 4 minutes away).

Brat asserts I don’t care about her since I won’t just continue to drive to our current school system and just not tell anyone we’ve changed address (a few already know we’re leaving).

I really flew off the handle today with her. I can’t do this ■■■■ ang more, cannot stand our current place of residence for even the final month.

Sometimes I wish I had just stayed a cat parent. Will be posting from a holding cell at this rate.

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It’s such a difficult age, even without throwing in a move.

It’s hard for them to move at that age. But you need to do what you need to do for the family. Let her rant, let her complain, let her blame you.

The fact that she is constantly complaining to you shows that she trusts you with her angst. Which is a good thing. Talking it out (complaining) may be her 13 year old way to deal with the anxiety of the situation.

I know it can be so hard. I know it may seem it will never end. But 18 will come before you know it, and all this will be in the rear view mirror.

Patience and time will ease this problem.

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I’m sorry to hear about your home situation. I have empathy for both of you. You, because dealing with a spoiled kid must really irk you. And her, because she’s leaving all of her friends, teachers, etc. behind and having to start over in a completely different town. Moving can be a stressful experience. Does she have trouble making friends, or maybe a fear of abandonment?

Picking fights though isn’t okay. I imagine she’s under a lot of stress, and doesn’t know how to handle it- but taking it out on you isn’t right.

(I agree about being a cat parent- animals treat you so much better, and more honestly, than humans.)

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“Does she have trouble making friends,”

Actually no, quite the opposite.

Fear of abandonment, maybe.

I’ve talked with someone whose a business contact and he told me 13-15 is a tough age (father of two grown kids who turned out respectable).

Now I’m feeling a bit guilty wondering if she may not trust me with her angst. I really did get out of hand.

When I left for awhile and returned,I told her she was 13 and we were responsible for her. She’d be a knowledgeable adult some day but today wasn’t it.

Until then she had to talk respectfully with her parents and not argue with them about certain things. We decide where she lives and attends school. Her friends will be just one town away & there are others.

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You’re on the cusp of difficult behavior, seeing as she’s 13. It’s going to happen again, but it won’t be forever.

I’m sure there are saints, but most of us, as parents, get out of hand a time or two. I did.

I found that bringing up those times, months later, at a quiet time, and apologizing again, was really helpful. It showed my daughter that my behavior weighed on my heart, and I wasn’t just apologizing in the moment.

I can say that, now that my daughter is 21, she recognizes that I may have gone overboard a time or two, but she freely admits to being a complaining brat. :slight_smile:

This too shall pass. I would go back in a second to where you are now, knowing how fleeting the time is.

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Got some sad news. A former neighbor passed away after a long illness last month.

She was a little younger than I thought, only in her early 40s. The (I believe cervical cancer) was diagnosed after she had consulted an orthopedist for pain in her lower back.

Last we spoke with her husband, a chest xray showed a spread. Am feeling guilty because I at one time didn’t like some qualities of this lady.

Maybe those qualities, which I’d rather not be too specific about, showed because she was sick, in pain and undiagnosed. I hope her after life is peaceful.

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Sorry to hear, Janet. Cancer is an ■■■■■■■■

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sorry to hear Janet, and hope things are better. In addition to the wonderfull advice you already received here, allow me to share with you a link to a strong, active and kind online community that discuss parenting stuff.
https://www.reddit.com/r/Parenting/

best of luck.

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Thank you :blush: I’ll check ‘em out!

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Leaves from the vine,
Falling so slow,
Like fragile, tiny shells,
Drifting in the foam.

Little soldier boy,
Please come marching home,
Brave soldier boy,
Comes marching home.

Ash in the snow
Falling so slow
Like fragile, broken hearts
With no place to go.
Little soldier boy
Come marching home
Brave soldier boy
Come marching home

He thought he knew
What he was fighting for,
But the sight of blood
Made him question war.
Poor soldier boy
Cold and alone,
Bombs fall like rain,
He’s all alone.
They’re all alone.

Those leaves did grow
From branches overgrown
Drifting slowly down
Resting in the snow.
Little soldier boy
Taken from home
Forced to fight a war
That is not his own.

Leaves from the vine
Changing so slow
Like empty, fallen souls
Looking for a home.
Little soldier boy

Thought that he could soar
Brave soldier boy
Died in their war.

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I hate days like this. I really, really hate them. Someone on my floor talks to all the other people except for me, no one else has this problem with me- bonus is, she is my old roommate (we were roommates for a week). I got a 5.5/26 on one of my lab quizzes.I knew university-level work would be harder, but I did not know the degree to which it would be harder.

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Well, at least I’ve been getting the Kaplan MCAT Question of the Day right for a few months…but not today’s, which was over simultaneous processes of processing emotion and physiological activation.

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:hugs:

You’re gonna go far in life, FH. Like, freakishly far in the best ways possible. It just won’t feel like that along the way.

If you need help with anything math related, lemme know. I love jigsaw puzzles like that.

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