Did you hear the one about the man with five penises?
His pants fit like a glove.
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The Devil one day was doing his rounds and came across two Canadians who were recent arrivals. To his shock they are laughing, joking and smiling ⌠talking about starting up a grill if they could find one.
He demanded to know what their deal was and they told him it was nice to just be really warm for once.
Grumbling, swearing to show the Canadians, the Devil walked all the way down to the thermostat and turned on the A/C to sub zero and before long everything was frozen.
But his expectant glee evaporated when he found them jumping up and down celebrating since if hell had frozen over that meant the Leafs had won the championship.
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Two platinum blondes, a mother and a daughter, went to a spa together and their attendant thought to be flattering of the older woman and asked if they were sisters.
The ladies laughed and said, no, they werenât even Catholics.
Did you hear that Hebrew National has branched out into Kosher OTC medicine? The first product is a stool softener sold under the name Let My People Go.
TWO POLITICIANS
One day a politician approached another legislator to tell of a dream that he had.
He said: âThere was a humongous parade in Washington in your honor. More people than I could count or even guess at their numbers lined the parade route, cheering as you were driven past. There were bands playing, children throwing confetti into the air, balloons and colorful streamers everywhere. It had to be the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen since the end of WW2.â
The second politician was very flattered and said, âThatâs really great! By the way, how did I look in your dream? Was my hair OK? Was I still keeping the weight off?â
âI couldnât tell ⌠the casket was closed.â
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BANG !!!
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AMISH drive-byâŚ
Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted.
âI once walked into a brothel with a honeycomb and a jackass. The Madam saysâŚâŚ.â
Engineering Question:
Conditions:
A backhoe weighing 22 tons is on top of a lowboy trailer and heading east on the Trans-Canada Highway in Alberta . The extended shovel arm is made of hardened refined steel and the approaching overpass is made of commercial-grade concrete, reinforced with 1 inch steel rebar spaced at 6 inch intervals in a criss-cross pattern layered at 1 foot vertical spacing.
Solve:
When the shovel arm hits the overpass, how fast do you have to be going to slice the bridge in half?
(Assume no effect for head wind and no braking by the driver)
P.S. The driver was on his cell phoneâŚ
Canadian engineers have to watch the track to make sure Snidely Whiplash hasnât tied Nell Fenwick to the railsâŚ
yo mama so fat, she sat on a whoopie cushion and nothing went pop.
A man shared an apartment with a guy called Bebe Vladislav.
Now Bebe wasnât violent or anything but he was still cruel and emotionally abusive.
One day his roomie couldnât take it and yelled: âVladislav! Bebe donât hurt me no more!â
Well, since that last joke didnât earn me a banâŚ
Did you hear about parsley farmer that got in trouble with the IRS?
They garnished his wages.
Ha ha ha ha. I get it.
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A preacher came across a young boy in the church lobby intently studying a plaque of names.
âWhat are you looking at?â
âThese names, who are they?â
âThis is a memorial to people from this congregation who have died in the service.â
The boy thought about that for a moment and then asked: âizzat the 8 or 10:30 service?â
Three men fly in to a safari park: one arrived in from Russia, one from Poland and one from Chekoslovakia. They met in the hotel bar and agreed to head off to the Russianâs cabin for a game of poker. As they were walking across the compound the encountered a lion and two lionesses, each of which pounced on a different tourist and devoured their respective unlucky victims.
Which tourist did the lion eat?
You know what the difference between pink and purple is?
Your grip.
Nine months: it can seem like a maternityâŚ
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The Reverend Smith is walking down Main Street one day when he spies little Johnny examining a small bottle of liquid.
"Howdy Johnny! Whatâs in the bottle?
Little Johnny says âItâs acid.â
The revenend says to himself, âThatâs too dangerous for a child. I have to get that bottle from him!â
âTell you whatâ says the Reverend. âIâll trade you that bottle of acid for this bottle of holy waterâ
Little Johnny says, âWhat can holy water do?â
"Why, if you rub holy water on a pregnant wonanâs belly, sheâll pass a baby! " Says the Reverend.
âThatâs nothinââ says little Johnny, âIffn you rub acid on a cats butt, it will pass a motor sicle!â
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knock knock
whoâs there?
tank
tank who?
youâre welcome
