The First Joke Thread


#62

How do you know if the stage is level?

The drummer is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.


#63

My doctor charges $10,000 for a circumcision with the promise that he will use no surgical instruments.

It’s a total rip off.


#64

What do you call a drummer that broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.


#65

Never argue with a fashionista: they’re clothes minded.


#66

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
– The drummer

How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
– One. He holds the bulb in the socket and then the whole world revolves around him.


#67

Steve Dallas: “Heavy metal?”

Opus the Penguin: “Weighty brass.” (shifts tuba a bit)


#68

#69

A traveler stopped at a country cafe / bar / honky took out in a VERY rural area to eat dinner before setting out on the long road again.

The place was surprisingly packed for such a sparsely populated area so he had to eat at the bar. As he got his burger, a truly impressive affair for so little cash, one of the yokels announced that it was open mic comedy night and introduced the first up, a shy and lovely young lady whom he called a mic night virgin.

She waved and giggled a bit before timidly saying: “31.” and the place roared with guffaws. Encouraged she rattled off the more numbers to even more laughs before leaving the stage in triumph.

And leaving the traveler thoroughly flummoxed.

The next two acts were the same, just calling out numbers and people laughing.

The man got the bartender’s atrention and asked.

“It’s mic night.” he explained.

“But they’re just calling out numbers?”

“Oh! Oh, oh, yeah, got you … I thought you were a new face. No, you see, we all know all the jokes anyone knows here so they’ve just become numbers. Say a number and we know the joke.”

“REALLY?”

“Really, really.”

So with that info he asked the bartender to watch his burger and he went to talk to the MC.

In short order he was standing before the crowd, eager to pull one over on the yokels.

“22.” he said confidently.

Crickets … a cough.

The man slunk off the stage and came face to face with the MC.

“Is 22 a bad joke?”

“’Bout the funniest we know … but, sir, you just can’t tell a joke. Totally butchered it.”


#70

Life is not like a box of chocolates.

It’s like a plate of chilies: what you do today may burn your ass tomorrow.


#71

Natalie Portman is on a train with a German, a Frenchman, and an American.

They enter a tunnel and everything goes dark. There is a kissing sound, followed immediately by a slap.

When they exit the tunnel, the Frenchman has a red handprint on his cheek.

The Frenchman thinks, “One of those two kissed Natalie Portman, and she assumed it was me, so she slapped me. I will be a gentleman and say nothing.”

The German thinks, “This train is four minutes late.”

The American thinks, “Every time we enter a tunnel, I’m going to keep making smooching sounds and slapping that Frenchman.”


#72

Every time the forumbot triple posts the same OP an angel gets his sandals.


#73

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. “I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”


#74

IRISH AIRLINES…

After being airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening Aer Lingus flight from Dublin, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I’m so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don’t know how this has happened, but they did not deliver our meals until one minute prior to take-off. We have 103 passengers on board, and, unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When passengers’ muttering had died down, she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 4 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later…

“If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available”


#75

Once a good old boy from Georgia decided he’d try his hand at raising hogs so he got himself two beautiful sows, big ones, and they had such personality too.

About four months passed and the guy thought he’d got the hang of tending hogs and was finally ready so he called up this buddy of his who had a champion boar and made a date for his sows. Just a sawbuck per pig.

They didn’t want to get in the back of his truck, but he got them there and introduced them to their boar.

“How do I know if it took?” he asked his friend.

“Tomorrow morning if they’re sunbathing it took. But if they’re wallowing in the mud bring them right back … with another sawbuck apiece for my time.”

The next morning they were wallowing and again they didn’t want to get in the truck but when they got to that boar they seemed happy.

The next morning they were wallowing again and this was getting expensive. With no fuss they got up in the back of his truck and once there a wild piggly orgy commenced.

The next morning the good old boy didn’t want to look so he sent his wife to look for him.

“Were they wallowing again?”

“No.”

“You mean they were finally sunning themselves?”

“No, they’re in the cab of your truck pounding on the horn.”


#76

I thought my clothes were shrinking in the wash but I was wrong. The refrigerator was to blame.


#77

did someone tell you to chill out?


#78

True Story: I’m not entirely sure I like green olives with pimentos just on their own, not part of a salad or pizza, but those addictive little things call to me every time I walk past the fridge.


#79

Optimist: the glass is half full

Pessimist: the glass is half empty

Cat: the glass is on the floor


#80

A man walked into a crowded bar and yelled out: “This is my 1911 Colt 45 with one in the chamber and seven ready to go! I want to know which of you low lifes has been sleeping with my wife!”

From the back of the bar a waitress shouted: “Put that thing away, George, you’re gonna need lots more ammo than that!”


#81

On a long flight Richard Dawkins found himself sitting next to an old cowboy reading the Bible.

“You know,” he said, “conversations help flights go faster.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” the cowboy said as he set the book down, “What do you have in mind?”

“Well. We could talk about evolution and how it demonstrates there’s no need for God.” Dawkins said smugly.

Without missing a beat the cowboy said: “Sure. But first, Mr Dawkins, could you answer something for me? You see, cows, horses and deer all eat the same sort of stuff but what comes out is very different. Cows make pads, horses clumps and deer pellets. So what is the evolutionary benefit for each style of poop?”

Dawkins was a bit astonished that the man had recognized him and a bit put off by an actual nuanced question so he thought for a moment before admitting he didn’t really know what the advantages were.

“So what you’re telling me is, you can talk about God but can’t explain crap?”

And with that the cowboy went back to reading.