The First Joke Thread


#41

How many dems does it take to change a light bulb? Five. One to hold the bulb, and 4 to spin him in circles…


#42

#43

It didn’t insert a 3 legged pig joke


#44

yeah. It’s a place holder for when I do it.


#45


#46

At the time I suggested someone conduct two polls: in one ask about the Vice President accidentally shooting an elderly man and in the other about shooting a trial lawyer … just to see how far apart the results ended up being.


#47

Bet that went well. lol


#48

Two Socialogists were walking down a gravel road when they came upon a older gentleman laying in a ditch, beaten to a pulp.

“What a tragedy,” the first Sociologist was heard to say.

The second Socialogist responded, “Yes…we’ve got to find out who did this and help him,”


#49


#50

“The wicked run when no one is chasing them” – Proverbs 28:1

… so clearly Solomon didn’t like joggers…


#51

For the upcoming Episode 9, Disney has announced a new joint venture with candy notable Haribo: limited edition Sugar Free Haribo Wookiees.

“We’re very excited,” said Kennedy, “these delicious gems are exactly what we want to bring to the series. Eat 9 and you’ll feel like you were at the movie!”


#52

A senior couple returned to a Corvette dealership where they discovered the salesman has just sold the car they had been interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply, “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $85,000 asking price. Yet I just overheard you closed the deal for $72,000 to the lovely young lady there. And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man.

“There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price. See you later Dad, Happy Father’s day.”


#53

What goes: zoom, screech, zoom, screech, zoom?

A blonde going through a flashing red light.


#54

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.

“Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “You know, I’ve had an awful day, Jack, so let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only$5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $5 and $10 million … and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn’t she? You’ve just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary!”


#55

(Please, folks, post more jokes. I occasionally feel like one hand clapping here when I follow myself!)


#56

How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, he just puts the bulb in the socket and the whole world revolves around him.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
The drummer.


#57

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family.”

No one moved. The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression” Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, “Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.”


#59

A lawyer was on his way to his Law firm when he noticed two families on the side of the road on their hands and knees! He pulled over so he could investigate and asked what they were doing on their hands and knees?

One man replied: “We are down on our luck and we don’t have money to feed our family, so we’re eating grass.”

The lawyer was horrified seeing these people eating brown, dried grass, so he asked them if they would like to go with him to his office so he could feed them.

Of course they accepted.

In route one of the kids thanked the lawyer and he replied by saying: “You’re going to love it, the grass at my office is thick, green and at least 5 inches high!”


#60

A woman approached her minister one day after services and asked to speak to him alone.

He told her he’d want someone with them so she suggested his wife.

Once in her office she poured out her tale of her recently departed father’s two African Grey parrots that she’d been given. The two hens had been her friends growing up and they’d first started talking for her, but on getting the birds she discovered to her horror that in his last year as he declined her father had taught the birds to proposition people like they were prostitutes.

Though the birds had started talking for the woman as a young girl they showed no signs of relenting on their new found bawdy banter and she wanted to know if the preacher had any ideas or prayers to resolve the problem.

“That’s terrible!” said the minister, his wife agreeing, “I can see why you’d want to keep this quiet. But I tell you what, I may know someone who can help. My neighbor is a Rabbi who has taught his two African Grays to pray and recite Scripture. He’s supposedly taught other birds too before he got these so maybe he can teach your birds something else to say?”

The woman agreed that would be a huge improvement so the minister set up an appointment with the Rabbi.

At his home she with her girls covered in their cage she was presented with the spectacle of the Rabbi’s two parrots swaying back and forth over tiny scrolls, saying something in what she suspected might be Hebrew, and they’d tiny little caps on too.

'What do you think?" the Rabbi asked, “My boys are such good boys!”

“Very impressive, but…”

She uncovered her cage and her birds stirred, blinked, and looked around. One seemed to notice the other birds, poked her friend, and then they said in unison: “Hi, we’re pretty prostitutes! Twenty dollars? Hot *** for just twenty dollars!”

Whereupon one of the praying parrots took notice and said: “Mister Feathers, put aside the Torah scroll, our prayers have finally been answered!”


#61

What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean

A good start