Dealing with depression, mental illness, and the sadder aspects of life

Safe Haven
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All righty then!

Garden is good. Learning a lot about what not to do. Next year will hopefully be lots better.

Do seem to have a real knack for growing cucumbers. They seem to like me the best.

I love it. I can, in the daylight, sit here at my office desk and see my garden and enjoy even when I am not out there. Oh. I did put 7 solar powered lights out there that come on at sunset. They are the kind one can spike into the ground along a walkway. I have them in the chainlink fence where I have trained all my vining plants to grow. There is one real nice one that my daughter gave me that I put on a pole in the raised bed. They look nice at night!

What good therapy my little garden project is, despite the pain.

Well this past week was busy. Saw my doctor last Thursday for my back pain. It has really been bad.

He got me in to get an MRI on Tuesday, then he got the results, they wanted a CT scan and x-rays, got those on Thursday, then saw the Spine Surgeon Specialist on Friday.

Bottom line…there is nothing they can do via any surgical procedures. Because there is way too much damage with really messed up bulging or deteriorated discs, pronounced spinal cord canal pinching, degenerative arthritis, and a fractured vertebrae.

He suggested a series of steroid shots into the spine for the pain. Nope. Had that done before. The first one was great, lasted about 3 months. The second one I thought I was going to die. It took forever for me to recover enough to be able to walk. Never went back. Between the risk of someone shoving a needle into your spine and hoping they hit the right place and the risks of steroid exposure I decided living with the paint until the nerve set dies was the way to go.

The best physical therapy option is walking. Sure, yeah, maybe after I get some more super extensive surgery on my feet. I do know I feel better when I force myself to get up and move around, that is often not at all easy because of all the pain.

Oh. The best part was when I asked him if I was at risk, with all the problems, of paralysis in my lower body? He said “I don’t think that is a risk…yet.”

So we finally I was going to keep taking the pain meds my doctor did prescribe for me (about 7 days worth) and that I would see a “pain management specialist”.

I tell you what, my wife and I are insurance poor, but by golly I know we would be up a creek without what we have.

In fact I often feel guilty because I know we are so well covered and there are so many people out there who aren’t well covered or aren’t even covered at all.

So. That is my getting things off my chest.

:slight_smile:

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Hope they get your pain under control
I know what its like living with chronic pain (throat cancer)
My wife has MS My wife and I are keeping you and yours in our prayers

But on a side note hope you have the cucumbers planted away from the other items
cucumbers will take over everything else in the garden if not careful
we made that mistake one year had a ton of cucumbers and nothing else lol

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Thanks! You and your wife will be in my prayers!

We have two cucumber plants, one in a 5 gallon bucket and one in a 5 gallon planter. They are both up against a chain link fence at least 6 feet from the nearest plant. They both have cages. They are trained to both the cages and to the fence. It is working out great! We have a water melon plant up against the fence as well. It loves twining its vines in and out of the fence. My wife picked it out because it is supposed to have personal sized melons, not real big ones, and there is one that is about ready to pick. It is grocery store cantelope sized and richly green with the stem just looking like it is turning brown.

So much fun!

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Man, I do hope you get pain relief.

And I do understand, at least I think I do, “insurance poor”.

I have family coverage with a major insurer, but since ‘14 any of our plans come with much higher out of pocket costs than they once did.

And you’re right. There are some who are arranging for their health care as “self pay”.

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Sorry to hear about your pain, Lou :frowning:
I hope they get it under control.

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Thanks everyone!

Much appreciated thoughts!

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One week since I helped along my little dog. Having a hard time. These things always seem to come up so fast, but in hindsight I can see how things were bad for him earlier than I saw. I always attributed troubles to “old age”, but I see now that he was struggling and I missed it. God, I hate that. I feel like I really failed him when it mattered. I’m a terrible pet mom, I should have seen it all earlier. I should have done so much more for him sooner. I suck.

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You aren’t a terrible pet mom…you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. We’re human, so we all make mistakes. Living things (humans and animals alike) suffer as they get older and their organs wear out, as cells die off. We can sometimes make it a little easier, make them comfortable, but we can’t stop it

When I was in ROTC, the lt. Col. said that there are only two things certain in life: death and taxes. It is sad to see him go, but what could have been done? We all have to go at some point. You seem like a kind, generous person, who cares deeply for her loved ones and fur babies. You did what you could. Now God and Mother Nature have taken over.

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Terrible pet mom?

Nah. That’s when you don’t get an animal ANY care.

I had a similar situation—why do these situations always come up Christmas time?—where I finally called the vet for an appointment for my cat.

What was going on was, um, hello, owner, just how dumb can you be, the signs weren’t normal for awhile, but I was buying new cat litter every 2 weeks, & :cat: was just lapping up water.

Finally I took her, & she has diabetes. Man did I feel guilty waiting.

Got her the cheap Wallmart brand of insulin even though $300 brand :scream: supposedly has better results, & she’s impoved when I wasn’t sure she’d make it past Christmas.

My idea was why not make an effort to treat first? Maybe that was yours, too.

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hindsight is always 20/20
you did the best thing in the world for your dog
you adopted him and you and your family gave him a wonderful love filled life
to me that makes you a great pet mom

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You’ve been assured you are not a bad pet mom - because you are not a bad pet mom.

Now, please also consider that you are grieving and this kind of thinking is one of the stages of grief you will need to work through. And, eventually you will. And then, you will be at peace and remember how near and dear to each other you were.

Be compassionate with yourself. Your little one who has passed would never want you to hurt yourself like this nor, do I believe would even agree with what you are telling yourself.

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Oy. I’m mad & :cry:

Got word this morning one of the nicest guys to ever work with us was killed four months ago.

He was 37 & left behind a wife & two year old son.

Chris died upon being hit from behind by a truck & slammed into an 18 wheeler in front of his vehicle, I believe on the Illinois side of 290 (he had since relocated to Indiana).

Why is it those you want to live forever don’t even get the chance, while those who get their yucks making others’ lives miserable live forever?

Rest in Peace, Chris. I’m really sad you won’t get to see your son grow up. Unfair doesn’t even begin to describe it.

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Sponge, I’m very sorry to hear of your coworker’s passing. It must be very tough for you. Sending you positive vibes. If it’s any consolation, my grandfather passed away suddenly, too, from drowning in the fish pond the summer after 7th grade (I don’t remember how old he was). Give it time, mourn him, but celebrate the happy times. Be happy that those moments happened. Take things day by day, hour by hour.

It seems like the good things are short-lived, and the bad times drag on. Perhaps if you know where his family lives, you could bring them a homemade dish? When is the funeral?

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Funeral was back in March in the state he relocated to, Indiana, although I’ve heard there will be a memorial for him closer to his hometown Sunday.

I’m thinking about going to pay condolences. Thing that gets me is no one had anything but positive things to say about him; he had a passion for sports & history.

I even remember telling him good luck when he left; he sounded like he was going to cry when he said thank you.

We need more people like that, not less.:cry:

Sorry to hear about your grandfather’s death. I hope you have fond memories of him.

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I’ve also decided to get out of my little hermit kingdom a little and

resume communication with my family of origin, maybe even a XMas visit, and

attend a book discussion in a nearby town. The book to be discussed looks interesting.

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I hope it goes well. Wishing you luck :slight_smile:

What kind of books are they discussing, if it’s okay to ask?

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My AvPD has gotten so bad that I can’t talk to people (or even leave the house without anxiety)…all this anxiety, depression, and conflicting thoughts have literally made me go mute or barely able to hold a conversation.

And I’m going through another depressive episode…I had to break up with my boyfriend because he was sort of pressuring me for sex while being emotionally distant (yet expecting me to open up), and I was feeling suicidal I didn’t want to put him through that (considering what his last girlfriend put him through), or through my constant worrying. I’m afraid I’ll never be able to hold a relationship because this; I’m not even sure if I want one anymore. Yet I want to be close to people, to be happy and share happiness in a relationship like normal people do…so many conflicting thoughts and feelings.

I’m sorry I just need to vent.

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I’m not sure if this is appropriate, but just to give a glimpse at what the thoughts have been like lately: “What if they are bored with me?” “Should I respond at all?” “But try to make conversation, they might think you’re not interested.” “But don’t do small talk; most people hate small talk” “Ask them about themselves instead” “Don’t do it- you don’t want to pry. But don’t talk about yourself either. It might seem selfish.” “They’re probably getting bored with me for taking too long to respond.” I can see the negative outcomes for each response, and usually I just sit there with my head hung, staring down at myself.

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Depression is a rough road to travel down
I can not really say much that will help but whenever you are down remember
that there is a lot of people on here who care about your wellness
and I am sure anyone of us would sit here and listen and talk to you if you need it
we all may fight and spat but at the end of the day I would hope we could put it to the side to help out a fellow person

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Thanks. It’s a local history book about a woman named Bathsheba Spooner, hung in nearby Worcester for the murder of her husband.

I’ve calculated I’ve to read 10 pages per day to finish. So far it’s interesting, givesa picture of the Revolutionary War & 18th Century life.

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