There really is no other way around this. I don’t want any kind of social life & he wants nothing to do with me.
Any advice on a spiritual level for leaving when it isn’t amicable? Parenting?
I thought this would be a thread about leaving the church. No? Oh well, let’s examine what Jesus says about divorce.
“But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
Matt. 5:32
He wants zero one to one time with me under any circumstances, and I cannot say where in the Bible that’s considered marriage, but OK. I guess I’ll be the adulteress.
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I would recommend marriage therapy, but obviously you’re closer to the situation than I am.
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Sounds like your mind is made up and you are emotionally and physically separated. If there’s not ability to reconcile seems like severing is viable. However you work it out with child custody, try to come to an agreement you and your likely former spouse not speak ill of one another when seeing the child. Say the good things.
Sorry for the situation. It’s rough and unfortunate.
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This is beyond a tough question and there is no easy answer. I look at this like a train on a track and when it just starts to get off track…is when it must be addressed. It’s a constant examination of where the two of you are and is it side by side? Maintaining this relationship requires one to put the other first and if each does so, it constantly equalizes but it consistently requires a personal sacrifice of your own selfish desires. That sounds cruel but if each is equally doing this, there’s a loving balance that results.
Once this relationship derails, it’s now where the two of you must sit down and honestly ask each other, can you put this back together? Do you want to put this back together? Do you need professional help in putting it back together? Are there children involved? If so, what ever you two decide, consider that they do not divorce either of you. They equally love you both.
I wish you both nothing but The Lord’s love going forward and may you both find the peace you seek.
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I cannot emphasize enough how important that is.
A child is going to love their parent. Trying to undermine that only creates resentment for the person doing it.
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Maybe I’m confusing you with another poster but did you not have these problems a few years back as well? You have a daughter, correct?
Seems like (if I’m correct) you hung in there and gave it quite the effort.
I’d seek advise from a pastor, if you have one. There is no easy way about leaving from financial to emotional.
If you can prep for both of those things and create stability for your daughter then that is plus given the situation.
Also, be prepared for people to take sides. Stay classy and don’t try to win an argument for why you are right in your actions. It just causes alienation and people to dig in further.
You may find a support group is a good way to direct anger, grief as well as advise on how to handle the lifestyle adjustments you will face.
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No, not confused with another poster.
In all fairness I haven’t sacrificed my own desires for one on one time to accommodate his desire for social relationships.
It’s just two people who look at the world in different ways & have two different sets of desires.
I left my home office and prepared to get ready for work and as I did, your thread was on my mind. Keep in perspective this COVID virus and the stress it’s placing on all of us. I would tend to lean towards your husband in that, I want to get out and do something. We set aside Friday nights and refer to it as, date night. My wife is a nurse and looks at things more logically. She hesitates and closely examines where it is we want to go. If she tells me it’s not a good idea, she also tells me the logic behind her conclusion. I tend to go along with her because as The Lord said, “I take two and make one flesh”. I know she has my best interests at heart and I must always acknowledge that. The medical thing is her area. My point is, consider this virus and the stress it’s placing on all of us and don’t let that destroy or help destroy what The Lord has joined. Also know this, I prayed for all of you and I can’t tell you just how sincere I am right now. I wish your family well.
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Thank you, Smyrna.
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@Janet_Miller
There are people on this forum who are more formally schooled in Biblical matters than I am. I am probably not even in the top half. Please forgive me if my comments are off the mark
From dictionary.com
I am not a religious scholar, but below I offer my thoughts on the matter:
In my opinion, if aliens landed on earth and read the new testament “fresh from the start,” they would say: “It’s a debate. The rule of law vs the way of love.”
Should one obey the religious law, such as not healing on the sabbath, or is it okay beak the written rule so long as one does so for the purpose of love.
The NT approaches the topic many times. A typical gospel is 30 pages long.
Five pages are Jesus’ birth to baptism. Ten more are last supper, passion and resurrection. Take away those story parts and you are left with 15 pages to describe the MISSION of the most important man who ever lived.
And in a typical gospel those 15 pages will describe at least 5 debates wherein Jesus opposed the Pharisees, the teachers of (religious) law, the lawyers the legal scribes etc… Jesus was often at loggerheads with thought “God is rules,” instead of “God is love.”
Five debates in a 15-page biography?
The early Christians did not build churches and issue rules and edicts about genuflecting and crossing oneself with holy water. Yet they lived very differently than those who tried to love God by following rules. Instead they did things like take care of each other, and feed the poor, even on the Sabbath.
Their symbol was not the cross, but the fish, used to symbolize Jesus feeding the hungry multitudes.
They did not call their beliefs “Christianity” they called it “The Way” because they were supposed to live by a method, (not by written rules.)
.
.
.
I believe if you are truly helping others, and you truly believe the rules say one thing, but love says another then your choices are
- follow the Pharisees,
- or follow Jesus.
Please read Matthew 19 (where Jesus spoke about the rules of marriage, divorce, sex etc., please underline Matthew 19:11, The part where Jesus said “The one who can accept this should accept this.”
then follow your heart.
Jesus knows relationships are complicated. He didn’t carve out the same exception for murder or theft. He knows that when it comes to relationships following law and following love are not always the same thing.
I love you.
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Will be trying this soon.
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Do I remember correctly that your religious guidance is Islam? (And he is atheist?)
If so, not too many people here can address your situation in that context.
I can tell you that from a Christian perspective, adultery only enters when you start up a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse. You can get a legal divorce and still avoid adultery by staying single and celibate. That’s a tough thing to hear, I suppose. Nonetheless, that’s what really constitutes adultery in Christian teaching.
And it doesn’t help anything now, but, as in so many divorce cases, marriages built in conflict with biblical principles often experience separation and divorce. (Such as the recommendation for being equally yoked – as in having similar religious foundations.)
That doesn’t mean a marriage can NOT overcome biblical deficiencies. A marriage built on love (true and authentic love) can overcome just about anything.
Love? It’s not a feeling. It is a decision. Example: When your baby was in the crib crying at night and you did not feel like getting up, you did so anyway for the sake of that baby. You wanted the best for that baby. You DECIDED to get up. Likewise in a marriage, authentic love means both spouses want the best for the other, and each gives 100% for the sake of the other. Marriage in not a 50-50 proposition. It is 100-100%.
If I recall, a previous thread you started about this indicated that your husband wants to invest 0%. For a marriage to work, both have to give 100%. If you will ever make this marriage work, he has to get on board. There are programs out there that help couples rediscover the love they had for each other on their wedding day. Re-engage that love. Renew their relationship. Heal. Soften hearts. Forgive. But none will work unless both spouses are sincere about repairing the relationship.
Not a lot of advice here. Just observations and comments.
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In Christ, we are under grace, not law.
The higher principles - the weightier matters - love, mercy and justice, rule under grace.
There is no legal code that specifies the most loving, merciful and just course for our situations. It’s our judgment to make.
We can ask for wisdom and remember, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” ~ Jesus
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